Bit of a catch up…

Well, it’s been a while hasn’t it? I’ve been threatening to write for so long, that nobody takes it seriously anymore – like me threatening to leave uni and get a ‘real’ job. Well. It WILL happen. Look.

So… Jesus. So much has happened, it’d be sort of rude not to mention some of it. I wish I could just gloss over it, like… you all know what’s been going on, right?

OK well since my last blog (in fucking September… Jesus), Jonny and I broke up. After the holiday debacle it was only a matter of time. Neither of us were happy really, we’d fallen into the traps that make break up imminent and inevitable. Taking each other for granted, taking anger out on each other for outside problems (family, health, money etc), and we just got to breaking point.

Luckily for me (and this won’t surprise the longest-standing of my friends) I got close to someone else real quick, which massively helped with the heartache. There were whispers of ‘rebound’ but honestly… if we’re being strict about it, technically every boyfriend I’ve ever had has been a rebound of some sort (OK except you Curtis). Who *doesn’t* still have a weensy bit of baggage from past relationships? I can honestly say that every relationship I have had has been so completely different from the other. I don’t think I have a ‘type’, I just know what I’m attracted to and what I’m not. And all of this bollocks about ‘The One’, obviously I don’t buy it. I am attracted to a LOT of guys. Sometimes I have amazing chemistry with virtual strangers. You can’t help that. I think the closest you can get to The One is someone who ticks most of your boxes, a majority of the time, and someone who you can grow and change WITH instead APART FROM. Now *that’s* rare.

Otherwise, relationships just run their course don’t they? They do.

God. Am I feeling cynical at the moment or what?

OK so basically, pretty much straight after Jonny I fell for Daniel, super hot guy from the bar I work in. At first he didn’t want to tell anyone; suited me. Then we sort of went public and a load of shit went down at the northern, which resulted in Daniel leaving and also being evicted from the flat he was sharing with Lulu. So from lack of other options he moved in with Mel & I. It was only supposed to be temporary but we’ve been getting on pretty handsomely (that’s Daniel and I, not Daniel and Mel…) and it’s sort of worked. He’s a fairly difficult boyfriend, but the good stuff outweighs the bad stuff so. And he’s pretty easy on the eyes. Not that that’s important, but, you know. Worth mentioning.

I had a pretty lovely (and drunken) birthday, don’t remember the latter part of it but it was nice having all my mates around me in Manchester, because I’ve felt a bit isolated there. Don’t know what it was… but I just haven’t got stuck into it the way I do in Sheffield. I’ve just been, bobbing along. Know what I mean? Like, I can’t be arsed to make loads of friends. Daniel said that people have said they think I’m attention-seeking and fake, well. Right back at them all to be honest. Seriously, I have so many genuine, good friends in Sheffield, and I just left them all.

So…. So…. I’m moving back to Sheffield. I’ve been looking at apartments (going to live alone like the sad old woman that I am… less hassle), and we’ve got until the 22nd March to move out. I’m sort of sad to be leaving Manchester behind but I am more excited about getting back. I feel like if I go back, I’ll be able to make some *progress*, know what I mean? Graduate, get a job, see my friends. And who knows, maybe I will get in shape. <snigger>

Pretty much that’s how things lie at the moment. Jonny didn’t take the split very well AT ALL, and I worry that I’ve fucked him up beyond repair, but there’s not a great deal I can do about it, over the past 5 months I’ve tried all sorts, I’ve tried seeing him, not seeing him, talking to him lots, not talking to him at all, being nice, being horrid, and nothing works. I miss him quite a lot but like I said before, some relationships just run their course and I think ours just fizzled out. It’s easy to mope about and only remember the good stuff but that’s not realistic. Basically, we split up for a reason and that hasn’t changed. I want to be friends but I don’t think he’s really ready for that just yet. Emma T and Emma M split up too (cursed holiday!!), things are a little tense between them now but they are doing the best they can in the situation. Good job we already discussed custody rights for me (joint). When I get back, things will be easier. It’s really sad… I’m just hoping for the relationship to friends transition, not easy when you’re in each other’s pockets still.

I was going to use this entry to whine about how fat I’m getting, but I can’t really be arsed. I have given up chocolate for 2010 (another abstinence thing – I’ll elaborate another time), but that doesn’t seem to have had an effect on my weight. I’m hovering at around the 9 stone mark. Ideally I think I’d look best at about 8 1/2, but it’s not like proper excess weight, it’s more thin coats of blubber here and there, that only a good diet and regular exercise will help to alleviate (and even that’s not guaranteed). Good diet and regular exercise aren’t really a staple of my modus operandi, shamefully. All I can hope for is a bout of apetite-suppressing illness. Or maybe a short-lived exercise obsession. Or both at the same time, just in time for summer.

Right I’m going to leave it at this for now, I’ll try and post again soon but I can’t make too many promises. These things happen in fits and starts though so maybe expect another entry tomorrow.

Seeya laters gays.

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How self indulgent

Hey you guys. I’ve been meaning to blog for ages, and I tell you what, my typing speed has really slowed! Anyway, I think the last blog was 10th June – was it? No, 10th July. OK so here is a run down of what has happened since then:

OK, Mel started working at The Northern on the 18th, and now works alongside me there. We went to Leeds to celebrate Nick’s birthday and had tapas which was alright. Luckily this time I didn’t offend anyone (that I know of!) so it was definitely more successful than the last trip there. I always feel a bit… I don’t know. Hard to explain really. I want Jonny’s friends to really like me, but I don’t think there’s anything I could do to bring that about. They’ve all known each other for so long, it’s sort of like starting school way after everyone else has made firm friendship circles. Doesn’t mean you aren’t accepted or included… it’s just not the same is it. I don’t know. I enjoy spending time with them, seeing them all happy together, that’s enough. There’s always some drama between the couples too.

Isn’t it strange how when you first meet someone or you don’t know them that well, you’re far more prepared to suffer them – put up with shit that you’d never let your boyfriend, siblings or best mate get away with? I bet some people would say that they treat everyone the same, but actually that’s bollocks. For example, Jonny behaves really childishly sometimes, and I’m always very quick to give him grief about it. But if someone was introduced to me and did baby voices and jumped around like a five year old I *probably* wouldn’t say anything.

It was LOADS of people’s birthdays – Geek’s, Ryan’s, Wendy’s and Emma M’s. I mostly bailed and was crap – due to working and also not having any money. It’s not really like me – I like to make a big deal out of birthdays – but it just hasn’t been much cop lately. We went to Alton Towers for Ryan’s birthday, which is becoming something of a tradition now.

Phil did his driving test on the 12th of August, and passed. It wasn’t without a LARGE portion of Watson drama, OF COURSE, things never run smoothly. Luckily it’s all been sorted now… getting a little sick of it myself to be honest.

WENT ON HOLIDAY on the 13th of August, unlucky 13. Holiday got off to a very bad start, to the point where I seriously felt like turning around, coming back home, and never speaking to anyone ever again. On top of that, I’m not very beautiful when I’m upset. My already fat round face goes all puffy and blotchy, red and white, like some terrible disease. People looking on (and there were lots of them) must have thought someone had died. Jonny was reasonably supportive to begin with and then he got pissed off and we fell out (a theme of the holiday). In the end, stuff was sorted out and we had some serious fun. I do love going on holiday. I’d travel all around if I could – when I have lots of disposable income that’s what I’ll do.

So, you can view the photos on facebook for a fairly detailed illustration of what went on. Highlights included eating fish, Tivoli World, and poolside games, seeing little Indi and pastries from Opencor.

So I got back, worked that weekend, and basically went back into the routine of the past few months. I’ve been working at the Northern now for 3 months, it’s still all good there. Love everyone there in their own way, which is ace. I’ve got a terrible cold at the moment which is pretty disgusting.

I feel like I need to say something about the date today – of course it’s the anniversary of the destruction of the world trade center by terrorists. I watched that programme about it a few days ago, 102 minutes that changed america. Well really it changed the world, let’s not fuck around here. The way I see it, atrocities have been going on since, well, forever. People in positions of power have abused them, done unspeakable, horrific things – all throughout history. But distant history doesn’t affect us, yeah it’s terrible but y’know. What happened happened.

But this is really some other kind of shit. If someone shoots someone in a far away country somewhere, it’s sad. If someone shoots someone in the same country as you, it’s deplorable. But for all of America, and ‘The West’, this felt like someone shooting our cousin in our own backyard. It got personal, you know? I think that’s why it pissed everyone off so much.

It was shockingly awful… watching people panicking, bodies flying out of the buildings. Upset me really. It’s right that we should remember it. It was really incredible. Sometimes I have idle thoughts, like, what would happen if….? If there was a massive earthquake or something. It’s like that… but, it actually happened.

I think about things too much sometimes… death, life, people. I’d bore you with the details. I get overemotional about little things. I can’t abide cruelty or thoughtlessness, that’s why I try to be mindful of what I say and do.

Over the past few weeks the question of THE FUTURE has been cropping up. And by this of course we mean The Plan, the 1 year, 5 year, 10 year and would you believe it even The Rest Of Your Life plan. The question being: what am I going to do? Where am I going to live? Who am I going to be with?

In December I’ll be 25. And right now, what do I have? I have nothing. I’m not settled, I’m not unsettled. Sort of still in student limbo a bit.

In the short term I’m going to graduate, and probably look for a Real Job, ie career. I’ve been thinking about going back to Sheffield… but I’m really unsure.

Right now I can’t really even discuss it here because it might affect how things turn out. I need to talk to Jonny, see how I can manage my time, and assess what outcomes I would like.

So since I’ve nothing more constructive to say, I will leave it at that. I’m fairly content generally… and to put it in perspective, I’m not making a final phonecall or jumping out of the 100th floor of a burning building, am I?

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Moving on…

So I wasn’t sure what to name this blog entry, sometimes I write them and then think of an appropriate title afterwards, I might still do that. Since I haven’t updated since 16th of May, I’ll give you a quick run down of everything of note to date. On May 19th I went to see Derren Brown with Tom Brown - it was basically amazing. I am totally, completely in love with Derren, he’s so intelligent and witty and charismatic. Yes I am aware that he’s gay, and I love him all the more for it. Sometimes I wonder if he could put his abilities to a better use ( a la Paul McKenna), not only could he cure  phobias and make people more confident and just generally improve lives, I know he could do even more than that – but then again who am I to preach to people what they should and should not do with their talents. He’s also an amazing writer <3…

Anyway, later that week I went to Manchester to register with some employment agencies, takes hours of your time and then you sit around for weeks waiting for a job, but it’s got to be done. For the record it’s now 6 weeks later and I’m still waiting for any temp work…

That weekend I borrowed The Range and went to Alton Towers with the SHU Drama crew, which was a pretty awesome day all round, gorgeous weather, spent all day with Beckett (then Liam and Gav) and we had a very relaxed day.

Gav, Beckett, Gem (& Liam!)

The week after that I spent most of my time jobhunting to no avail, and moving stuff across to Manchester from Sheffield – I’ve got so much *stuff* it’s unreal. On the 3rd of June it was Rochelle’s birthday and we popped across to Leeds for some drinkies. We started early in the day so by tea time/early evening I was staggering around and we were all proper tired. By like 1am or something we gave up and went back to Rochelle’s to sleep it off. Jonny and I had to get up in the morning though because he had work and of course I am the taxi driver.

I carried on applying for jobs and also went for some evening/bar work too, which I got interviews for straight away. I went for interviews at Panacea (posh), Prohibition (underground), Loaf (young) and The Northern (cosy). Debi at the Northern offered me a trial shift on the Saturday night. She’s really lovely, and kind of reminds me of Kay, Curtis’ mum. So I worked the shift, and I can tell you it’s an absolute killer. Luckily I caught on really fast and they’ve kept me on, so I now officially work at The Northern!

On the 15th of June, Jordan hired a canal barge as a sort of continuation of Rochelle’s birthday celebrations. Everyone came; Nick & Katie, Pat & Flo, Harry & Jonny. I was totally gutted because I had to go to Uni for a meeting on the Tuesday so I didn’t get to be a part of the main adventures. However I met back up with them in Manchester city centre on the Tuesday night, and slept on the barge. On Wednesday it rained all day, it was quite miserable weather but there was something romantic about it I thought. Some people live on canal barges, and what a life it must be.

On the Wednesday Ryan my baby bro and his girlfriend Lizzy came to Manchester to see us and stay over. We went to the imperial war museum and ASDA, and that’s about it. It was nice having them to stay though

Lizzy & Ryan

Mel - Camp Smells

Jonny & I

 That weekend I did another two shifts at The Northern, which almost finished me. I am getting more used to it, but my poor feet! Think I am going to invest in some MBTs or something like that. As a result I missed Fisher’s 21st birthday (sorry Fish x) back in Sheffield.

Last week it was Nipa’s birthday, then I went to see Brand New with Jonny and his friends at the academy. It was quite hot and sticky, but was actually rather good and I got suitably drunk anyway. Met Mel afterwards and we stayed out even though everyone else bailed. Jonny did a little bit of sick on himself, perhaps in protest at abandonment, and we staggered down to this pub called big hands (or something). Carried on drinking and making dicks of ourselves, then we started chatting to these Americans behind us. Jonny and Tristan had disappeared somewhere. They were like, ‘oh yeah we just came to the UK for the show’, and I said ‘oh I was there too’. They asked what I thought of it, and (not realising who it was) I said ‘well it was OK. It’s impressive how many people come out to see them, and the songs I knew I really liked but the rest was kind of boring. Plus it was too hot’ which fortunately they all thought was hilarious. Then one of the guys told us he was the tour manager, and we were actually sitting with the bassist, drummer and crew, along with Kevin Devine who I’d been chatting complete shit to for the past half an hour. I was a little embarrassed to say the least. But what lovely guys they were!

Pat, Harry, Jonny, Jordan, Rochelle, Nick & Katie

 This week we also found out that Michael Jackson has died. Mel came and woke me up to tell me about it. We watched BBC News 24 for a while. We were all quite shocked. I’m not quite sure what to say about it here, I think everyone has said everything that needs to be said on the subject, his death seems to be just as much of a circus freak show in the media as his life was. My parents always played a lot of music to us whilst we were growing up, and we would listen to Michael Jackson a lot in the car on long journeys. As children we made up dances and routines to his songs and performed them in the front room for the sum of 10p per person. I remember when the tickets were released for the concerts he planned to do here in the UK, and everyone desperate to get them except me. To me, it wasn’t the Michael Jackson I grew up with, just his body like a shell and him not really in there anymore. It’s sad for his kids, and sadder to think that the next generation will never know him alive, but his songs will live on and that’s good enough for me.

This week I’m moving out of Peveril for good, still looking for a full time job, and doing more part time shifts at the bar. I’ve got to get Growler serviced/new tyres/brake pads this week, plus a few other little things.

My skin is bad and I keep falling out with Jonny, it’s stressing me out a bit, but if that’s all I have to worry about then I’m not too unfortunate am I really?

Got loads more to blog about but I’ve run out of time now – more tomorrow I think.

See thee soon.

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